?Enjoy every second? they grow up so fast??
Every young mother has smiled through clenched teeth as some well meaning older woman has delivered that admonishment with misty eyes. I know I did, when I had four under four and going to the bathroom alone was a struggle, never mind accomplishing the herculean task of grocery shopping.
Of course the sentiment is absolutely true, which is probably why it irks us so much. No one knows more than the maxed out mother how hard she?s trying to enjoy it more, or how guilty she sometimes feels not to be living up to that rosy cheeked vision of motherhood she had while expecting her first.
But, it?s impossible to enjoy every second, isn?t it? And if older moms were more honest, or memories of early childhood were less selective, we wouldn?t say things like that to young mothers.
One grandma got it right when she saw me struggling with eight mittens, four hats, and three boys who all had to pee in the entryway of a building one morning. She patted my arm and smiled:
?The days are long, but the years are short.?
And so they are.
We all have this idea of how it?s going to be:
Family life. We?ve got it all figured out. We?ve got a firm philosophy of childhood in mind. We know what we want. More importantly, we know what we don?t want as glaring examples of bad parenting surround us at every turn. It will be easy to do better than that, surely. And then? our babies are born.
The realities of parenthood and family life are sobering, aren?t they??
- Days, weeks, months, sometimes years of no sleep
- Vomit & poo become dinner table conversation and badges of honor
- Children turn out to be willful souls instead of winsome blank slates
- Allergies and illness complicate matters
- Perhaps the one we got isn?t the ?one we ordered?
- Learning, personality or health differences throw a wrench in our well ordered plans
- The dinner table becomes a war zone
- The sweet bedtime rituals we imagine dissolve into bleary eyed howl fests
- Wrestling a contrary toddler into a carseat requires a black belt in martial arts
- There?s never a break, not ever. Even if we get one, we spend it worrying about the kid
It?s easy to understand why parents get so discouraged and why they trade their dreams of intentional Family Culture for anything that will ensure their survival this day, this hour, this minute.
Parenthood is hard work, and Family Culture isn?t built in a day.
I remember one particular family that I looked up to when my kids were little. I went so far as to invite them (with their four angelic children) to dinner just before Hannah was born. It makes me laugh now, but with great sincerity and an earnest desire to ?get it right? I sat Judy down after dinner and asked her what I could do to replicate the things about them that I so admired in my own family. Graciously, she did not laugh me out of my own living room.
?You see that one?? She pointed at her baby, ten years old, quietly playing solitaire on my carpet, ?I really thought he might be possessed when he was a toddler! He never stopped screaming and he fought everything. Every single thing. And he was my fourth, so it?s not like it was my first merry-go-round!?
?My house is a train wreck. It?s never clean. Right now, I have piles of laundry waiting to be done. Don?t even talk to me about dishes. It?s impossible to keep on top of it. But those aren?t the things that matter.?
Years later I visited her house and, indeed, it was a train wreck. She was not much of a housekeeper, but she was a fantastic mother.
?Spend the time on the things that matter. Include the kids in everything, even when it?s harder and takes longer. Spend the time on books and music and art projects. Take walks. Collect things. Talk to them. Just remember to do your best every day. Perfect doesn?t matter, just do your best.?
?
She could never have known how much her words would mean to me over the coming days, weeks, months and years. She?ll never know how many times I held her family up as the pinnacle of all I hoped to accomplish, ?someday,? and how much comfort it gave me that her advice was not a formula for success to follow in her footsteps, but an open window into the real world and hard work of raising great kids and building a beautiful family culture.
You see, a Family Culture is built, it doesn?t arrive gift wrapped upon the delivery of your first child.
Family Culture is the culmination of a million tiny moments, tiny choices, tiny and insignificant seeming motions that we go through over and over without thinking much about them. It?s something that can (and will) develop by accident, or it?s something that you develop very much on purpose.
What matters to you most in family life? Joy? Peace? Education? The Arts? Adventure?
Hopefully it?s not just one thing, but many, that you?re seeking to build into your Family Culture. With those things firmly in mind, it gets easier to lift yourself out of the daily grind of parenting multiple little people and the endless shoe tying, nose wiping, tantrum management and the litany of ?Why?? questions to think on a bigger scale, with grander purpose and to do your best on any given day. Your best will vary with the seasons, with your health, with your family situation, and a million other things. That?s okay, and it?s to be expected. Just do your best today.
Building Family Culture is all about what?s happening in your head.
Our philosophies drive our actions, we all know that. If you?ve purposed to build a Family Culture of Peace, Joy and Adventure, and The Arts then your day with your littles might look exactly the same from the outside, but will be completely transformed on the inside because there will be a very definite ?why? to your actions and interactions with your little people.
- You?ll choose to sing together while you clean bathrooms.
- You?ll plan a special surprise for the parent that is out to bring happiness upon arrival home.
- You?ll take a ?quiet walk? and listen to the birds.
- You?ll go to an art museum and pull them through the halls in a wagon if you have to.
- You?ll go on an ?adventure hike? actively looking for something extraordinary.
- You?ll find the time to sit and read together, or maybe sit and read separately together.
- You?ll make Saturdays ?adventure days? even if it?s only to the laundromat
- Perhaps, like one family we know, you?ll teach everyone to whisper!
- One of the most joyful families I know teaches their toddlers to ?choose cheerful? when tempted to throw a fit.
- You?ll find time to finger paint and you?ll listen to Mozart while you do it.
Do you see the difference? It?s not in the externals at all, it?s in why you?re doing what you are doing. You?ll know that you?re building something, with very tiny bricks.
The first five years of parenting are full of joys, but they?re full of struggles as well. It can be a very difficult and disheartening journey. It is made easier, I think, when one takes the longer view. If you can see, in your sticky faced, naked because he refuses clothing, belligerent because he wants a cookie, little person a self confident teenager with bright eyes filled with passion and purpose, it makes it a little easier to take the time to lay the next tiny tile that becomes the mosaic of a family.
We need to encourage each other.
Young mothers need to band together and help each other reach for something higher than the status quo, but in a way that builds up and helps forward, instead of inducing further guilt over perceived failures.
Middle mothers need to keep going, and remember not to count our chickens before they hatch. It?s a marathon, not a sprint, and comparison is the enemy of building beautiful Family Cultures.
Older mothers need to reach down and help pull up the mamas struggling so hard in the daily grind. I know one grandma who blesses the socks off of younger families by turning up to help clean, cook, read to little ones and generally ease the mother?s burden, all the while encouraging her that she?ll get there.
The same goes for Daddies, incidentally.
If you have babies and toddlers and are just a few years into this parenthood marathon, take heart. You have years and years ahead of you to build something beautiful with your family and you have all the tools you need within yourself and under your roof. The main thing, it seems to me, is to think about it every day, and purpose in your heart to do the little things that matter. It won?t appear over night, but one day you?ll be the one with the ?big kids? and you?ll find that your family is characterized by a very distinct culture? one that you?ve built, from the cradle on up. Make sure it?s the one you want, dig in and build with purpose!
Mothers of littles? weigh in? what are your thoughts on building Family Culture? What are your struggles?
About Jennifer Miller
Source: http://www.uncommonchildhood.com/building-family-culture-babies-toddlers-think-long-term/
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